Why people avoid conflict (B. Mayer, 2009)

• Fear - fear of consequences (can be self-fulfilling)

• Hopelessness - if the chance of things to improve are minimal

• Uncertainty about what one thinks or ability to defend their beliefs

• Energy conservation - does it take more energy to engage or avoid?

• Systems or relationship preservation - avoidance maintains appearance of harmony

• Powerlessness - little confidence in their ability to engage constructively

• Shame or embarrassment - want public image that aligns with self image & community norms

• Inadequate skills - some lack the skills needed to engage constructively

• Resource depletion - choices with time, fortitude, support or energy

 

How people avoid conflict • Minimization of the depth or seriousness of a conflict (denial)

• Misdirect - define a conflict by clouding the issues

• Escalation to prevent (bullying, threats)

• Premature Problem Solving - rush to solutions to avoid dealing with it How we can tell when it’s not obvious, someone is avoiding conflict

• Parts of their conflict story don’t add up

• Something doesn’t make sense

• A formulaic account is referred to repeatedly

• People rushing to solutions

• People storming out (before any communication can happen)

• Becoming furious with someone who is not at the source of concern

• Refusing to engage in discussion because “nothing can be done”

 

Ask yourself what is not being said? What is being said in a vague or circuitous way?

Help people recognize how they are avoiding and make a conscious choice about continuing to avoid or not. Regardless of what people choose, there is still value in working towards a more intentional and constructive decision about engaging or avoiding.

 

Staying with Conflict: A strategic approach to ongoing disputes, by Bernard Mayer